The Ideal Republican Presidential Candidate

October 2, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Could Chris Christie be the Republican savior who swoops in to consolidate the Republican vote?

According to Christie, he’s not running.

So why all the hubbub? Aren’t the current candidates good enough?

With all the speculation, I thought I’d look at what an ideal candidate might look like based on the Republican debates.

Here’s my profile of an ideal Republican candidate:


Thinks social security is a Ponzi scheme Says social security is a Ponzi scheme (Perry)
Texas, Georgia, Utah Massachusetts, Minnesota, Pennsylvania
Hates health care mandate Implemented health care mandate (Romney)
Believes blacks are ‘brainwashed’ to vote for liberals (Cain) Believes in bringing this country together (Huntsman)
Hates Obama Worked for Obama (Huntsman)
Believes Federal Reserve is a government conspiracy (Paul) Believes American foreign policy helped contribute to the 9/11 attacks (Paul)
Stands up for our military Stands up for gay members of our military (debate audience)
Last name associated with the Contract for America (Gingrich) Last name a euphemism for “the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex” (Santorum)
Believes $70 billion to $120 billion of Medicare and Medicaid is paid to crooks (Gingrich) Voted for $1 trillion in Medicare prescription drug benefits for seniors (Santorum)
Believes separation of church and state means that you should ban the Muslim religion from our country (Cain) Believes in separation of church and state at all (Cain)
Called to run by God (Perry, Bachmann) Called to run by the Brigham Young (Romney, Huntsman) or Ayn Rand (Paul)
Godfather’s Pizza Bain Capital
Believes homosexuality is a sin and goes against Biblical teachings (Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain) or is a disease like alcoholism (Perry) Married to a homosexual drag queen (Bachmann)
Brags about the number of people put to death in his state (Perry) Brags about the Texas DREAM Act (Perry)
Wants to win the Mexican-American vote Wants to give Mexican-Americans anything in return for their vote
Dinner fundraisers in Iowa (Bachmann, Perry) Eating a corn dog in front of a Sistine Chapel reproduction (Perry)

Ok, that last one is Photoshopped, but I had you for a second, right?